waist-deep in deep thought

Someone the other day asked me why I like writing. And I think my answer confused them more than anything else, because it's difficult.

Most of the time, I love being creative. Why wouldn't I? Whenever life gets boring I can escape to my own world with people I actually like 99% of the time. If I create a character I don't like... I can do whatever I want with them! Which means if they piss me off, I can dump coffee on them or even kill them off without any consequences.

I like entertaining. The most important thing to remember when you write is that you might not get published. This is a huge blow to some people... but for those of us who write to entertain friends or just to get thoughts down on paper, this is no big deal. In fact, half the time I'm happy just imagining how I want my stories to go, but it's through people pestering me that I actually get it down on paper and edited into an acceptable form.

I like the praise I receive from people who read it and love it. I love when I pass my writing off and then am able to discuss it with people like its a real event. I love book clubs because I love diving into a story line and discussing characters. I love it even more when it's my story and my characters. I could talk about them all night because the characters are real to me. In fact, they're more real to me than my neighbors.

But sometimes I don't like writing. Sometimes it feels like a burden. There are times when I sit down in front of the computer and I know EXACTLY how I want it to sound but once I get it out on paper it reads like shit. That upsets me. Sometimes I know exactly where I want more story to go, but I can't get it there. Conversation doesn't move right, or events don't feel real. Then I have to rethink my plot.

Whenever I don't type for a while, I picture my characters hanging out there in limbo wondering what the hell is going on. Whenever I finish a project, I don't like the emptiness I feel while waiting for another idea to hit me. And once another idea does finally sink in, I don't like getting aquanted with new people. The series I'm working on now has been in the works since I was in the seventh grade. It took me ten years to get a first novel out that I was satisfied with, and I'm still tweaking it because I don't like how parts came out. I understand that there is only so much editing you can do before you start messing with a good thing, but I don't think I've reached perfection yet. I'm satisfied with it, I'm not happy.

But you can see why I don't like putting something down...

Sometimes I feel like I live vicariously through my characters. I'm not out hanging out with friends on a Friday night? That's okay... I've got Amber and Jason to turn to. Their lives are more interesting.

Sometimes I wish my life was more like a movie. Not as predictable... something with more action and a little more worthwhile. It's times like those I get somewhat outlandish ideas for things in my books. It doesn't always end up in the series I'm working on now... but it does come out in other writing (like my idea for an American exchange student who falls in love with a foreign prince... or a journalist who starts dating a quarterback).

This is definitely something I need to get over.

But anyways... that is why my ability to write is a double edged sword.



I love this song... but it makes me sad for some unknown reason. Probably because it's so true.