Dear Chris,

Alright, I promise this will be the last post in a while about him, but today was his birthday so I pretty much thought about him all day. All day yesterday, too, because I sat down and wrote the letter to him that I'd been meaning to write since the day I found out he died. So I'm going to post the pictures of the letter and the burning.

Happy birthday, sweetie. I hope you've found peace wherever you are now.

Happy Halloween to the rest of you.

We rise, we fall

Literally in my case. I fell down my stairs Thursday night. I skinned the hell out of my right leg and sprained my left foot. I'm talented, I know. It no longer hurts (as bad) to walk normally, but oh-my-god does my skinned right leg hurt like crazy still.

Anyways, just a quick post to say hello. I'm sure I'll post tomorrow... or a day soon after. Happy Saturday =)

This crazy thing called life

Alright, so I'm really trying to break the habit of posting about Chris, but he's still a huge part of what I've been thinking about recently (and it's only been two weeks, so you'll have to forgive me for not getting over it yet). One of my friends asked me the other day how I'm doing and commented that I've probably got a lot of other things going on now (with work and school) to distract me. Which is totally true. During the day I don't know down from up. But at night my subconscious catches up with me and I'll wake up randomly in the middle of a dream sequence and he's the first thing I think of (even if I wasn't dreaming about him). I've also started back to work on the story I was writing before all of this happened that was based off our friendship... and I'm sure that will dig up old emotions as I try to remember specific things about him. It's strange, but now that he's gone I feel more comfortable clearly crafting my main character after him.

But I'm starting to be able to talk about him more freely (without crying, I mean) and even my mom made the comment last night that I seem to be in a much better mood. I'll probably always wonder if there was something I could have said or done during our last conversation to help him out, but I've come to understand that there's nothing that can be done now. What happened, happened and I can't change it. I still haven't written that letter and burned it yet... but when I do, I'll make a post on here and maybe it'll be the last for a while with Chris as the main subject (Don't hold me to that).

At least I finally feel like I'm on top of things for school. I'm pretty sure I have at least a B average for my cumulative gpa so I'm extremely happy about that. Work can still suck some days... but attitude is everything. Just grin and bear it, right?

Well, I've got to go get ready for a play at GMU (I've got to see Pericles.... so NOT my choosing, it's mandatory for class) so until next time.... =)

waiting...

I'm waiting for the day when I can hear the word "suicide" and not wince. I'm also waiting for the day when sadness gives way to anger.

It was a good trip up to Pittsburgh last weekend. Aside from halfway through the route remembering that Chris and I drove that way last summer when we drove a Chihuahua to Friendsville, MD for Kim. It's good, actually, to drive that way even when I'm not done grieving yet. That's the fastest route to Pittsburgh and I'm going to have to take it for as long as we live here... so its best to rip the bandaid off now.

Anyways, my brain is in a million other places besides this blog post so I'll leave it at this.


no more reasons to deny, I believe that you were mine. I need to let it go, I wish you'd let me go

It's all about what YOU believe

So, found out this morning that Chris killed himself. I had originally said that I was going to be angry at him if this is what happened, but I'm still having a hard time feeling anything other than sad. And confused. Very, very confused.

I'm still going over all of the "what if"s, too. I know that's bad. I know what's done is done and nothing could be changed. But that's the curse of an overactive imagination.

Baybhee told me today that she believes a person's spirit is with us for three days after they die. If this is true, Chris is with us until tomorrow night. According to her, the spirit travels to all of the friends/family, saying goodbye. I'd like to believe this. And I think he's said goodbye at least twice now. I already mentioned the skittles thing in last night's post. But something happened again today.

I was a bit pissed at Baybhee because she said something about how "noble" it was, what he did. Comitting suicide is NOT noble. It's seflish. It's unncessary. It leaves a boatload of unanswered questions. It causes unnecessary grief for the people left behind. So I fired back at her and then promptly left the office (I was taking a deposit to the bank, so it was appropriate.). I got into my car and turned it on. Usually, I have to hit play on my ipod in order for it to turn on and start playing. As soon as I turned my car on, it turned on and started playing. Ryan Starr's song "Last Train Home" started up. It's not a song I'd ever associated with Chris, because I have quite a few I used to listen to and think of him. But some of the lyrics hit home. It was things I wish I could have told him. I'll post the song at the bottom of the page for you to listen to.

Maybe I'm fetching for signs. Maybe the bag of skittles last night was open in the box before I grabbed it. Maybe my ipod just messed up. I told my dad about these things and he said "It's all about what you believe. If you think it was him, it was." So there. Think that I'm crazy. Think that I'm over reacting. But I know deep in my heart that this was my goodbye.

I'm going to write him a letter, probably sometime before his memorial services on Saturday. I want to burn it and let the ashes float skyward. Because a part of me thinks that when the ashes reach the sky, he'll be able to read it.

Goodbye, my friend...

It's amazing how much someone can touch your life in such a small amount of time.

Before today, I'd never lost a friend. I remember going through high school, hearing about kids that died in car accidents, kids that got shot, kids that killed themselves, and thinking 'thank god I made it through without losing anyone.' I made it almost 24 1/2 years without losing someone close, other than a family member. Losing a friend is completely different.

I've lost all four of my grandparents. And looking back, I still mourn for them. I often wonder what I didn't learn about them or from them while they were still living. Now that I've lost a friend, I wonder what his life would have been like.

I met Chris last year. He spent three months with his aunt, who's the oncologist at the vet I work for. His dad packed him up and shipped him off to her from Wyoming because he'd gotten into some trouble back home. He'd been expelled, wasn't graduating with his senior class, and had spent some time in juvie. Come to think of it, I don't think he ever told me what exactly he did. He was sooo quiet his first few weeks at work. I don't think I've met anyone who talked less than he did. But dear god, once he got to know all of us it was a challenge getting him to shut up.

From day one I knew I liked him. It was hard not to like Chris (aside from those moments when he was doing his "I'm not touching you" routine where he'd stand behind you with one finger extended as close as humanly possible without actually touching you). He was handsome, and quick to smile. He seemed to be older than 18...at least around me.

I remember at the end of his second week with us, one of his friends killed himself. This was before I really got to know him and I just remember thinking, well that's it. He's going back to Wyoming and I'm going to wish I'd said something more profound to him everyday except 'good morning' and 'do you want anything for lunch?' He didn't fly home for the funeral, and I think he regretted not being able to say goodbye to his friend, but I got a second chance to say something else to him.

We pretty much became inseparable at work after that. Of course, we sat at the same desk so it was hard to get rid of him. He was easy to tease... I always called him Wyoming, which he hated. I remember thinking I could really fall for him if he weren't 18 and didn't live in the middle of B.F.E. (bum f*** Egypt). I don't know why I let that stop me, but I did. I know a lot of other people at work thought we were unnaturally close. I had to tell quite a few people that he and I weren't dating after he left. I think everyone in life has a "what if" and Chris will be mine. (The funny thing about "what if"s is the paths your imagination takes you down. I'm trying not to let mine get carried away, especially now.)

As of right now, I'm still not sure what happened to him. His aunt hasn't told anyone the details. All I know is that the world lost a great person last night. It's strange, but last night I was looking at pictures on one of my French photo boards and I lingered on a picture of me, him and Sara from last Summer. I even touched the picture where it hung before moving on. Maybe that was my body's way of knowing more than my mind did and letting me say goodbye before I realized anything happened.

I went out tonight and bought a twenty ounce bottle of Dr. Pepper and a bag of skittles, his favorite. Despite my eyes being swollen and red rimmed, I was determined not to cry. When the cashier was scanning my purchase, the bag of skittles came open. I turned to my mom and said "see, that's him sharing it with me. Just like always." It wasn't my goal to cry in the middle of Target, but I did it anyways.

There are certain things that will make me sad for a while. TI's song "Live your life" will haunt me (he used to get in my car and blast it REPEATEDLY until I wanted to shoot myself). Whenever I pass a huge truck, I'll think of him. Whenever I watch Transformers I'll think of him.

What still makes me the most upset is that I just talked with him. I text messaged him last week because his aunt's dog died. We talked back and forth for about an hour and I never got any indication that something was wrong. At one point he asked me "do you miss me?" and instead of answering directly, I said 'when are you coming back to visit??'

So now, at least twenty four hours too late... Yes, Chris. I miss you. Rest in peace, Wyoming. I love you BFF.

Dear Nicholas Sparks, (warning, overdose of sarcasm possible)

I found myself watching another of your movies last night, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. This one starred Miley Cyrus (was it the producers goal to find one of the most disliked characters by anyone over 18 and cast them in a movie?). Your book/movie "The Notebook" has forever made you the master of tear-jerker romance, and something that mindless adults would flock to even if the movies starred no names, so the casting choice in this one really baffled me. The idea of watching Cyrus parade around the screen acting like a sullen teenager was not appealing, but for some insane reason, I didn't turn it off.

There are several things that bother me about your more recent books. First of all, there are 50 states in our great country. I understand sticking with what you know, but for the love of god, if I have to read/see/hear another story about one of the Carolinas or Tennessee, I will shoot myself. Sappy, unrealistic romance novels can take place ANYWHERE. Here's a challenge: create something in rural Arkansas. OR North Dakota! If you can pull THAT off, I'll drop all my criticism of your books.

Secondly: yes, cancer touches all of our lives on a very deep and profound level. But you seem to enjoy killing characters off with this. I'd like to make it to the end of a movie (I've long given up trying to read your books. When I see your name under the "new releases" category, I sneer.) without trying to figure out what character is going to bite the bullet.

Thirdly: a new plot line. Something other than boy meets girl (girl meets boy), boy falls in love with girl (girl falls in love with boy), boy/girl is sullen and the relationship is troubled, boy/girl ends it, boy/girl realizes they were retarded-- obviously boy/girl was the one person on this planet that truly understood them-- tragic death (by cancer) of someone important in boy/girl's life, easy entrance for boy/girl to be reacquainted and they all live happily ever after. Gag me.In who's life does this actually happen?? I've heard people say they like your books because "they're soooo realistic!" Does this shit actually happen in NC/SC/TN? Just think of the story possibilities you could have if you moved the plot somewhere else. North Dakota sees long periods of bitter cold. Wouldn't it be fun to isolate your characters out in the middle of no where in the freezing night? Wouldn't it be fun to have frostbite set in? Amputation is a great subject! "I love you despite your missing toes!" Maybe not as fun as killing everyone with cancer.

There are groups out there that fault Disney for giving little girls everywhere false ideas of what love is. You're doing the same thing, but with young adults and misguided adults. Maybe you're capitalizing on what Disney started by making your heroines somewhat believable. But for the love of god, please stop.

Over the years there has only been two books of yours that I've enjoyed: The Rescue and the Guardian. But I have no hopes of these ever coming to the big screen because in The Rescue, Taylor's friend dies in a fire (not cancer!) and in the Guardian, the dog dies (from rat poisoning and a GSW, not cancer!) and who wants to see that?? It is a shame because The Guardian breaks from your typical typecast and is actually a fantastic novel.

Thanks for the chance to channel my biting sarcasm and cynicism =)

Sincerely,
Stephanie
(not a fan)

Plenty of Losers, more like

I caved. I joined plentyoffish.com last night and the results have been hilarious. Within minutes of joining the website I had five messages from guys. This is probably because of the profile picture I chose, in which I'm wearing a low cut shirt. Actually, I know this is why I've had so many emails already because a couple of the guys commented on my "features" and God knows they aren't talking about my eyes (although one guy said I have a nice smile... I'd like to believe he actually meant that).

I don't know what I expected, since its a free website, but holy crap some of these guys are straight forward. This one guy's first email to me said "I know, I know. I'm not sure why we haven't talked either, two obviously attractive people like ourselves." Probably should have just deleted the email then, but I responded. I tried to change the subject...he's from NY so I made the comment I'm from Albany, been in VA for 20 years and am ready to leave. His response? "Well, meet me first. We'll do some stuff ;-) and then you can go."

User blocked.

I'm also amazed by how fast people are willing to give out their phone numbers. If I don't know you, you'll be lucky to get my phone number before our first date. Less than twenty-four hours after joining the site, I've gotten five phone numbers. How many times have I given my number out? 0. Ain't happening.

The other thing... Plenty of Fish has you make a "catch line" something that they post next to your picture so that people searching through the database see that as soon as they see your picture. Some of the catch lines are HILARIOUS. It's supposed to describe what you're looking for, or what you're like. One guy's catch line is "some assembly required." I couldn't get away from his profile fast enough.

Don't get me wrong, out of the fifteen people that have messaged me, there are a couple that I'm having worthwhile conversations with. But sadly, it seems to not be the norm.




(I'm going to have to memorize this number and pass it off as my own)

We could dance until we die

Nothing really to say... getting ready to open up Microsoft Word so that I can do some non-school related typing and just thought I'd stop here and make a quick post on the way =) It's been too long since I've been able to sit down and work on my writing, so I'm very excited that I've made some time.

And with that being said... I'm off to type =)