Life gets in the way.

Four months ago today I got a phone call that changed my life in ways I didn't expect, because of a boy who wandered in and out of my life one summer. In some ways I can't believe it's been four months already... on the other hand it feels like an eternity ago that all this happened. But I'm going to post a couple of poems I wrote, because as always, Chris seems to be on my mind.

Unfocused

Of all the things I regret that summer-

The words I wouldn’t say,

The grand gestures I wouldn’t let you make-

What upsets me most is

That the only picture of us is grainy. 

Too bright. Unfocused. Imperfect.

Just like my memories have become. 

But in the picture we’re flying-

Arms outstretched, suspended from above-

And that’s how I like to picture you now.

With that crazy half-grin on your face

Pointing at all of us from up above. 

"Wyoming" 

I used to imagine what my reaction would be

If I were to get the call-- my varying degrees

of horror, and as you started to fall away from me,

the wonder if I’d feel any horror at all. 

I used to imagine my reaction in hopes that 

It would never happen. That you would never

be that desperate; as if my imagination were

powerful enough to stop you. 

But now it has happened and my reaction was

something I never could have imagined. The hours

of tears and disbelief. The unanswered prayers

that it was some sort of accident.The feeling

that I let you down. That I missed signs.

That I should have said something. 

One day I won’t remember how it felt sitting

in the car with you, waiting at a light playing

air drums and air guitar to bad 80’s music.

One day I won’t remember what your voice 

sounded like when you teased me or the way

your lips curled into a smile whenever you saw me. 

One day you’ll be nothing more than 

the boy who wandered into my life one summer. 

One day I’ll find peace and I’ll accept what you did.

But for now you’re a million “what ifs” running through my head. 

This song doesn't seem exactly fitting with my melancholy post... but he used to get in my car and search through my ipod until he found it and then play it on repeat... I've found I'll skip by it now, but I'll post it here for him...